Feb 28, 2012

A Long Ramble and a Revelation


I feel I should be writing...just not sure where exactly this post is going....or if it will make any coherent sense...but meh, that's okay! ;)


Okay, well a good first place to start is with many a thank yous!  Thank you to all of you readers for your love, support and prayers!  I know I said thank you in my last post - but it still amazes me that people I know only here on my blog and new people who have popped in, have made such sweet comments and are coming out and telling me they are praying and asking others to pray for my family and myself.  It's such a hug from the Lord through each of you - letting me know He cares because each of you care.  You are a blessings, thank you! ♥ 

I'm really at a loss for proper words on how it makes me feel - I feel tiny in the big old world of blogging, here in my little corner of this blog land, breaking out of my shell, putting me out there for the world to see, becoming more and more vulnerable, exploring the world around me as God would have it and letting others in.....that's the toughest part...letting others in.

But all of you have been supportive and very kind!  I had no idea a few short weeks ago when I decided to open up more in my blog, to make it more personal, just how personal it would get....

...but the Lord knows these things.

And so I feel very loved in these darker times and very comforted, so once more, thank you!

* * *

Home selling/buying updates for you.  Our house hasn't sold yet, lots of viewings though, so it continues to remain clean and organized...and it's only driving me completely slightly crazy.... :p  There may be an offer in the next day or so but our agent said not to get out hopes up as our house is in a list of top three for this buyer and apparently she likes to low ball. Hmmm.  Anyways, in regards to the house we wanted, well....if you need the back story read this post - but it finally went back on the market.  All the legal issues were cleared up and it is for sale, for real this time.

So we went to see it.

You see, when some women are sad or troubled they eat chocolate, go clothes shopping or buy new shoes, me; I like to buy houses! lol! *sigh*

Anyways, I loved it!  We had seen the outside a number of times as we would...stalk it....when we went for our country drives...(my other coping mechanism) and I loved the land, the trees, the winding back road leading to the house....and then after weeks of waiting we were finally able to go inside.  And like I said I loved it!  Okay, again, loved it in a "I can see the potential", "it's a complete gut job" kind of way - but still P.O.T.E.N.T.I.A.L here people!!!! 

But...

...oh big BUT too...

Hubby did not!

*stunned stare*

WHAT?

Hubby did NOT love it??? Not even, like it?!?!?!

I think this has to be a first - where I fall for a reno home and he does not - usually it's so the other way.  Humph!  I tried to talk him into it - but he stood firm - he said, it just doesn't feel right.

*blank stare*

Weeks of waiting, dreaming, planning - the kids running the yard, the gardens planted, the chicken coop made, the goats grazing, the tree houses built.....all in my mind that is.....but now, it just "doesn't feel right".

*sigh*

But...I trust my sweet hubby!  I do.  And I had told him that I would trust his decision no matter what way he took us...I just didn't think I would actually have to follow through on it! Haha!

So we are not making an offer.  I have closed the door on that option and I continue to sit and do the one thing God constantly wants me to do and the one thing I keep fighting Him about....I wait.  I wait on the Lord's timing.

Truth is, I feel a bit confused.  Both my husband and I want to move to the country, we love the idea of it, the possibilities for our family and we both think it's where we see our future under God.  But our house sits here - with many showings and no bites - and I wonder is it just not the right timing?!  Am I not content enough here?  Are there lessons to learn first?  I guess my only problem at this time is the not knowing.  I'm content to stay, if we are staying and I am content to go if we are going - it's just this in between thing that drives me crazy.

The, I can't go but I can't live where I am - because when your house is on the market, it isn't 'yours' so much any more.  The endless cleaning and picking up the toys.  I just hate the limbo feeling - as I know many of you can relate - it's just never easy when you are in the middle of it. Boooo! It's not a big deal.....just feels like it some days.

But the good side of it is, we still have free time, no renos, a spotless house and the days get longer and longer.  My hubby was able to go and help out my step mom move some things and see somethings she needs fixed up.  I`ve been able to get in my studio a bit, play more games with the kids, finish books I start and go out to see people.  I`ve even learned to budget better! So it's not all that bad. ;)


* * *

So, yes the days continue - there is no pause button for life.  It`s been just two weeks since my dad`s passing.  It gets a bit more real and then not....sometimes I think when the winter snow is melted and the Spring is here, he will come and we will all sit around and talk about all that has happened and all the crap he stirred up for us, he would have liked that! :)  I think it`s just a matter of time and he will come read to my kids again, give my hubby a `hard time`, tell us we are crazy for wanting to move....but it`s not going to happen....and that is the hard truth.

But I try to focus more on the good.  On those precious memories and learn to accept this new normal....

I feel a real itch to get back into my photography more and I pray for the nicer weather to come and stay...I need that.  I know my dad would hate it if I sat around, thinking, pining and not living.  He was good at that - living!  He did it well, with vigor and with ever fiber in him!  I will honour that. 

So dear friends....even though I don`t see how yet, or totally feel sure of it - I will get behind the lens again!  I will post next time with pictures, oodles of them - dust off this heavy coat of whatever it is that is holding me back and relish in the beauty all around me.

I failed miserably at my Spectrum of Light series this winter; forgive me?  But I see that I need to get back to my passion.  I never thought I would like photography much, with my love of drawing being my focus for most of my life - but having spent so much time behind the lens last year and now going through this dry spell, I realize - it's a new form of me.  I need this medium, just as I used to need to draw. 

I have struggled with how to incorporate my art into my life since I became a Christian, eight years ago, I know that may sound strange but trust me, it has been a struggle!  I'll get into that someday I'm sure.  But I am seeing now, as in right now while I type this, that the Lord has given me this new medium to express myself and to glorify Him!

So as I type this, you are all joining me on this revelation and now this resolution.

I will become a better photographer - I will make it my new art!  It allows me to be creative and be a mother and wife without sacrificing all the time that other mediums required of me.  It allows me to help a bit financially and it lets me show the world the beauty God has created all around us.

Also, I know my dad would be proud. :)

He wasn't artistic, per say - and though he never totally understood it, especially when I wanted to go to art school instead of being a doctor or something tangible - he completely supported me and stood by me.  I know he was very proud of what I have accomplished as an artist and I think walking away from that would not be honouring to him or to my heavenly Father.

So, pray for me; for guidance, for encouragement and for this new realization and what it means for me.  I sorta wish I had broken this up into another post - but it has just came to me as I sat here typing.  If you have stuck with me this far, thank you....again! lol!


* * *

Well friends, the sun is shining - and even though I feel a cold coming on - I think I just may bundle up my littles and head out.  I will wait on the Lord but I will participate in the life He has given me.  With it's ups and downs, blessings and trials and with my focus on Him in all things!




...but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
 Isaiah 40:31




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4 comments:

  1. art IS using your gifts...no matter what shape it takes. excited for you! can't wait to see lots and lots of pics. it's something of a passion for me too.

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  2. I can't wait to see your pics!
    There must be a "better" place for you to live in the country...God will not disappoint.

    I'll continue to pray for you, may each day be brighter for you. Take care!

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  3. I love your optimism, and pray that God continues to encourage you, comfort you, and move you forward (in His timing) into all that He has ahead for you and your family. And I can't wait to see more pics :)

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  4. Wish I had had your camera years ago. I put down my paint and brushes, packed away the easel, and raised the kids on so many crafts and 'projects' some people thought I was crazy. But I never took time for *my* art. Keep focusing on that. And you do life well, whether country or city. Your Dad was so proud of you. He would say so whenever I met him...and he loved Dave too. Spring will be here so soon. Love you.

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