Feb 17, 2012

What to say when your heart is aching?

Okay....well where to begin........kinda hard when you're half in a daze and can't grip reality.

The worst has happened....my dad has passed away.

Typing that; sucked.  I want to desperately delete that line....as in deleting it would make it untrue....it won't.  It's crazy.....I can not believe this has happened.  I can not believe this new form of 'normal'. 

I don't want to.

But we have to, moment by moment, day by day, week by week until the months pass and they turn into years.  Our new 'normal' is one without my dad.  It's so surreal.....

It sucks and in a heart beat I would change it all.  But I can't....what I can do is look and see, look and see how our Lord worked amazing grace and love into all of this nightmare.  He really did.  I don't know if I want to tell you the long of it or not...I think I'll talk about it a bit here.  Funny eh?  How this is the year I have decided to get more personal with my blog....fitting.....lol!

For those that didn't see my last post - this terrible news came right on the heels of the blessing of now knowing I am caring our first son! :) - this news being, we were first told that my dad had been taken to the hospital while vacationing in Mexico with my stepmom. 

Apparently my stepmom was awaken by my dad having a seizure.  She called the ambulance and after they arrived and asked her for 500 pesos to go get gas, went and got said gas and returned; they were on their way to the hospital.  Let's just saying, becoming ill in another country is....different...  It was there, at the hospital, she learned that my dad had a blood clot in the main artery to his brain.  There was a bunch more medical jumbo that I can't fully remember but some of it was that the clot had been there long enough for his body to make new paths to bypass it.  But he was a ticking time bomb.

They put him into a coma and then on blood thinners to try to dissolve the blockage but the worst happened and he suffered a major stroke.  They had him on life support and my dear stepmom took it upon herself and hired a private Lear jet to fly him home to Canada.

She brought him home in style- he would have loved that!

My sister flew in from the west coast of Canada and my brother, stepsister and I all met with my stepmom in our Nations Capital, Ottawa, on Sunday February 12.  We met, so we could say good bye.

I won't go much further here...it was so terrible; terrible to let a loved one go.  We kissed him, held his hands, told him we loved him....and then we had to let him go.

Shit.... sorry.

What a man and what an ending!  As the days move along I smile more at knowing his last days were something amazing, something only a glorious, loving God could have orchestrated.

From what my stepmom said, my dad's last day was spent helping a stranger, (of course - he'd help just about anyone he could), eating at a restaurant on his "must go and eat at" list, they walked along the beach under a full moon, and then he went to sleep...and never knew anymore.

Oh, how he would have loved that jet - feeling like a dignitary, with all the attention, the staff waiting on my stepmom's beck and call, their own pilot, doctor and medic. He would have just loved it - it's an ending he deserved.

It is still so hard to believe and when bits of the truth sink in I have a terrible sickness in the pit of me.  I've been writing this post for days now.  I keep sitting down and writing a piece and then the tears start, the phone rings or someone is at the door.  The flood of emotions and roller coaster of feelings has been tremendous.

So has the amount and out pouring of love and support. ♥

Today is the visitation and tomorrow is the funeral.  Surreal.  We have family and friends pouring in from every part of the county, people we see regularly and people we haven't seen in decades.  And the cliche of it all is, why do we wait for these things to happen to reconnect with family, friends and each other....and why did it have to be our family......

Truth is, I don't question, I don't suffer with the 'why me?' syndrome.  It sucks but it is a part of life.  Like my stepmom and I said, we are grateful for how it happened.  We wouldn't have wanted him to suffer, to grow weak due to illness or body-ware-down - but we feel ripped off.   That's the truth, plain and simple!  No one wants to lose a loved one, no one is ever ready....and shit.......but I can't help but be so thankful to God for how my dad's life ended...I couldn't have written it better myself.

I'd still change it all if I could.

It's hard thing to process...it is, and for any of you who have been here I know you understand.  When a life is taken 'before' it's time - there are few words... But I know that God has appointed for each of us our time...doesn't mean I like it...and for me it was way to early - but I trust our Lord...I can't imagine what this would be like without such a loving heavenly Father walking through this with me.

So I will gather with family and friends these next few days.  We will laugh and we will cry....oh how we will do both in excess....and then.....

....that's the clincher isn't it....

I know in time we will settle into our new 'normal'.  We still have our house for sale, a baby on the way, and life all around us will continue on.  Time does not heal, it just lessens the freshness of it all - as a wound once healed still leaves a scar, so we shall forever feel this loss in our lives.

But we will remember the good.  And ohhh, there is much good! :)

I will turn their mourning into gladness: I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.  Jeremiah 31:13



  1. Really beautiful tribute Kaitlin.

  2. Kaitlyn, I'm so sorry.

    I know. I know what its like to lose my daddy at a young age - my dad was 43 when he passed...leaving my mom with nine of us kids...my youngest bro. was three years old at the time. You're right. Time really doesn't necessarily heal - it lessens it, the blow.

    It's hard. really. Really. Hard. I know you know.

    I don't want to get wordy...I could go on and on in my understanding of what you're experiencing right now. But if you ever need a listening ear... I've got two. ;)

    Will be praying for you, your hubby and girls, your family...


  3. Oh, girl. There are no words, but I am sorry. So sorry. Praying for that peace that passes all understanding, in Jesus' name.

  4. Love you Kaitlin. Can't put my heart for you to words. I miss my Mom and Dad every day and the pain is still fresh even though they died years ago. Embrace the grieving process as something God has given us to help us remember...soak up the love of those around you and rest in Jesus.

  5. Oh Kaitlin I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart is truly heavy for you. My dad became very ill before we had our girls and the thought of almost losing him terrified me. Miraculously he is still here. Don't know how or why. Time is a gift. I'm giving you the biggest virtual hug. Hope you can feel it. Praying peace to cover you from head to toe.

  6. Kaitlin, I am so sorry for your loss. The suddeness, the distance, so difficult. My prayers are with you and your family. God bless you Kaitlin. Your love for your dad is so evident in these words.

  7. I just saw a lovely comment you left at my friend Becky's blog so I came to say hi. And now, as I read, tears are streaming down my cheeks. I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell that he was a great man who loved you fiercely. I will keep you in my prayers tonight and all of this week. May God hold you close to his heart. Love, Becky


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