Feb 28, 2012

A Long Ramble and a Revelation


I feel I should be writing...just not sure where exactly this post is going....or if it will make any coherent sense...but meh, that's okay! ;)


Okay, well a good first place to start is with many a thank yous!  Thank you to all of you readers for your love, support and prayers!  I know I said thank you in my last post - but it still amazes me that people I know only here on my blog and new people who have popped in, have made such sweet comments and are coming out and telling me they are praying and asking others to pray for my family and myself.  It's such a hug from the Lord through each of you - letting me know He cares because each of you care.  You are a blessings, thank you! ♥ 

I'm really at a loss for proper words on how it makes me feel - I feel tiny in the big old world of blogging, here in my little corner of this blog land, breaking out of my shell, putting me out there for the world to see, becoming more and more vulnerable, exploring the world around me as God would have it and letting others in.....that's the toughest part...letting others in.

But all of you have been supportive and very kind!  I had no idea a few short weeks ago when I decided to open up more in my blog, to make it more personal, just how personal it would get....

...but the Lord knows these things.

And so I feel very loved in these darker times and very comforted, so once more, thank you!

* * *

Home selling/buying updates for you.  Our house hasn't sold yet, lots of viewings though, so it continues to remain clean and organized...and it's only driving me completely slightly crazy.... :p  There may be an offer in the next day or so but our agent said not to get out hopes up as our house is in a list of top three for this buyer and apparently she likes to low ball. Hmmm.  Anyways, in regards to the house we wanted, well....if you need the back story read this post - but it finally went back on the market.  All the legal issues were cleared up and it is for sale, for real this time.

So we went to see it.

You see, when some women are sad or troubled they eat chocolate, go clothes shopping or buy new shoes, me; I like to buy houses! lol! *sigh*

Anyways, I loved it!  We had seen the outside a number of times as we would...stalk it....when we went for our country drives...(my other coping mechanism) and I loved the land, the trees, the winding back road leading to the house....and then after weeks of waiting we were finally able to go inside.  And like I said I loved it!  Okay, again, loved it in a "I can see the potential", "it's a complete gut job" kind of way - but still P.O.T.E.N.T.I.A.L here people!!!! 

But...

...oh big BUT too...

Hubby did not!

*stunned stare*

WHAT?

Hubby did NOT love it??? Not even, like it?!?!?!

I think this has to be a first - where I fall for a reno home and he does not - usually it's so the other way.  Humph!  I tried to talk him into it - but he stood firm - he said, it just doesn't feel right.

*blank stare*

Weeks of waiting, dreaming, planning - the kids running the yard, the gardens planted, the chicken coop made, the goats grazing, the tree houses built.....all in my mind that is.....but now, it just "doesn't feel right".

*sigh*

But...I trust my sweet hubby!  I do.  And I had told him that I would trust his decision no matter what way he took us...I just didn't think I would actually have to follow through on it! Haha!

So we are not making an offer.  I have closed the door on that option and I continue to sit and do the one thing God constantly wants me to do and the one thing I keep fighting Him about....I wait.  I wait on the Lord's timing.

Truth is, I feel a bit confused.  Both my husband and I want to move to the country, we love the idea of it, the possibilities for our family and we both think it's where we see our future under God.  But our house sits here - with many showings and no bites - and I wonder is it just not the right timing?!  Am I not content enough here?  Are there lessons to learn first?  I guess my only problem at this time is the not knowing.  I'm content to stay, if we are staying and I am content to go if we are going - it's just this in between thing that drives me crazy.

The, I can't go but I can't live where I am - because when your house is on the market, it isn't 'yours' so much any more.  The endless cleaning and picking up the toys.  I just hate the limbo feeling - as I know many of you can relate - it's just never easy when you are in the middle of it. Boooo! It's not a big deal.....just feels like it some days.

But the good side of it is, we still have free time, no renos, a spotless house and the days get longer and longer.  My hubby was able to go and help out my step mom move some things and see somethings she needs fixed up.  I`ve been able to get in my studio a bit, play more games with the kids, finish books I start and go out to see people.  I`ve even learned to budget better! So it's not all that bad. ;)


* * *

So, yes the days continue - there is no pause button for life.  It`s been just two weeks since my dad`s passing.  It gets a bit more real and then not....sometimes I think when the winter snow is melted and the Spring is here, he will come and we will all sit around and talk about all that has happened and all the crap he stirred up for us, he would have liked that! :)  I think it`s just a matter of time and he will come read to my kids again, give my hubby a `hard time`, tell us we are crazy for wanting to move....but it`s not going to happen....and that is the hard truth.

But I try to focus more on the good.  On those precious memories and learn to accept this new normal....

I feel a real itch to get back into my photography more and I pray for the nicer weather to come and stay...I need that.  I know my dad would hate it if I sat around, thinking, pining and not living.  He was good at that - living!  He did it well, with vigor and with ever fiber in him!  I will honour that. 

So dear friends....even though I don`t see how yet, or totally feel sure of it - I will get behind the lens again!  I will post next time with pictures, oodles of them - dust off this heavy coat of whatever it is that is holding me back and relish in the beauty all around me.

I failed miserably at my Spectrum of Light series this winter; forgive me?  But I see that I need to get back to my passion.  I never thought I would like photography much, with my love of drawing being my focus for most of my life - but having spent so much time behind the lens last year and now going through this dry spell, I realize - it's a new form of me.  I need this medium, just as I used to need to draw. 

I have struggled with how to incorporate my art into my life since I became a Christian, eight years ago, I know that may sound strange but trust me, it has been a struggle!  I'll get into that someday I'm sure.  But I am seeing now, as in right now while I type this, that the Lord has given me this new medium to express myself and to glorify Him!

So as I type this, you are all joining me on this revelation and now this resolution.

I will become a better photographer - I will make it my new art!  It allows me to be creative and be a mother and wife without sacrificing all the time that other mediums required of me.  It allows me to help a bit financially and it lets me show the world the beauty God has created all around us.

Also, I know my dad would be proud. :)

He wasn't artistic, per say - and though he never totally understood it, especially when I wanted to go to art school instead of being a doctor or something tangible - he completely supported me and stood by me.  I know he was very proud of what I have accomplished as an artist and I think walking away from that would not be honouring to him or to my heavenly Father.

So, pray for me; for guidance, for encouragement and for this new realization and what it means for me.  I sorta wish I had broken this up into another post - but it has just came to me as I sat here typing.  If you have stuck with me this far, thank you....again! lol!


* * *

Well friends, the sun is shining - and even though I feel a cold coming on - I think I just may bundle up my littles and head out.  I will wait on the Lord but I will participate in the life He has given me.  With it's ups and downs, blessings and trials and with my focus on Him in all things!




...but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
 Isaiah 40:31




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Feb 22, 2012

The Beat Goes On


My dad loved music!  He really did - it's why my house is never void of it - it's how I grew up.

It's amazing the little things, all the little things, that are continuously popping up these days.  All the little things that remind me of him, make me think of him and all the things I will never forget about him.  It's still so unreal....


....but it sinks in, little by little.....

....mostly in the middle of the night.

I don't sleep much these days.  It's been just over a week since he passed and a few days since the funeral...but sleep, real restful sleep eludes me.  It's just the way it is, you cannot stop your mind in the middle of the night, you cannot control your dreams and restful sleep is over before it began.

It's okay though, in four more months I wouldn't have been sleeping much anyways! ;)

So the days, they continue.

I do the regular things, you know, like make muffins. :)




That's right, Super Fantastic Muffins - but now with wheat germ!

I was trying to make them more filling and it helps.  It's funny I didn't think of it until recently but it was my dad who first told me about wheat germ....funny.....hmm.  Anyways, they are tasty, these ones were made with frozen blueberries and cranberries...and chocolate chips, of course. ;)

Truth is....this is one of the only pictures I have taken in about a month......and I have a real issue about blogging without a picture.....so you get a little update on how I'm doing and a spiel about muffins, not bad for a Wednesday.

It is Wednesday...right?

I want to thank all of you lovely people for your kind - and oh so kind - words, prayers and cyber hugs!  I never knew or could have guessed how this world of blogging would have affected me when I started two years ago.  I'm real thankful I did.

:)


So the beat goes on - some moments are good....others are not....sleep is an illusion and music a joy and a constant reminder.....but I am happy to remember...even when it hurts....

In other news, this little one inside of me is growing fast - only four more months and he is already quite active!  If I didn't know it was a boy for sure, I would be pretty certain just the same! ;)   People are still coming regularly to view our house and so I continue to keep it clean...and organized?!?!  The weather is insane, quite insane actually - in the span of 20 minutes today it went from sunny, cloudy, pouring rain, partly sunny, rain, hail and then clear?!?!  But I can almost taste Spring....almost!

I hope to get back on track in many things, my photography - obviously...because I don't know how many more muffin photos I can entice you all with.  My art, reading, getting out...oh and sleep!  Yes, that would be nice.

Again, thank you for all your prayers and love!  The Lord has blessed me with many wonderful people during this time and I am so very grateful!  He is good and I thank Him for each of you! :)

God bless!





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Feb 17, 2012

What to say when your heart is aching?

Okay....well where to begin........kinda hard when you're half in a daze and can't grip reality.

The worst has happened....my dad has passed away.

Typing that; sucked.  I want to desperately delete that line....as in deleting it would make it untrue....it won't.  It's crazy.....I can not believe this has happened.  I can not believe this new form of 'normal'. 

I don't want to.

But we have to, moment by moment, day by day, week by week until the months pass and they turn into years.  Our new 'normal' is one without my dad.  It's so surreal.....


It sucks and in a heart beat I would change it all.  But I can't....what I can do is look and see, look and see how our Lord worked amazing grace and love into all of this nightmare.  He really did.  I don't know if I want to tell you the long of it or not...I think I'll talk about it a bit here.  Funny eh?  How this is the year I have decided to get more personal with my blog....fitting.....lol!

For those that didn't see my last post - this terrible news came right on the heels of the blessing of now knowing I am caring our first son! :) - this news being, we were first told that my dad had been taken to the hospital while vacationing in Mexico with my stepmom. 




Apparently my stepmom was awaken by my dad having a seizure.  She called the ambulance and after they arrived and asked her for 500 pesos to go get gas, went and got said gas and returned; they were on their way to the hospital.  Let's just saying, becoming ill in another country is....different...  It was there, at the hospital, she learned that my dad had a blood clot in the main artery to his brain.  There was a bunch more medical jumbo that I can't fully remember but some of it was that the clot had been there long enough for his body to make new paths to bypass it.  But he was a ticking time bomb.

They put him into a coma and then on blood thinners to try to dissolve the blockage but the worst happened and he suffered a major stroke.  They had him on life support and my dear stepmom took it upon herself and hired a private Lear jet to fly him home to Canada.

She brought him home in style- he would have loved that!



My sister flew in from the west coast of Canada and my brother, stepsister and I all met with my stepmom in our Nations Capital, Ottawa, on Sunday February 12.  We met, so we could say good bye.

I won't go much further here...it was so terrible; terrible to let a loved one go.  We kissed him, held his hands, told him we loved him....and then we had to let him go.

Shit.... sorry.


What a man and what an ending!  As the days move along I smile more at knowing his last days were something amazing, something only a glorious, loving God could have orchestrated.

From what my stepmom said, my dad's last day was spent helping a stranger, (of course - he'd help just about anyone he could), eating at a restaurant on his "must go and eat at" list, they walked along the beach under a full moon, and then he went to sleep...and never knew anymore.

Oh, how he would have loved that jet - feeling like a dignitary, with all the attention, the staff waiting on my stepmom's beck and call, their own pilot, doctor and medic. He would have just loved it - it's an ending he deserved.



It is still so hard to believe and when bits of the truth sink in I have a terrible sickness in the pit of me.  I've been writing this post for days now.  I keep sitting down and writing a piece and then the tears start, the phone rings or someone is at the door.  The flood of emotions and roller coaster of feelings has been tremendous.

So has the amount and out pouring of love and support. ♥

Today is the visitation and tomorrow is the funeral.  Surreal.  We have family and friends pouring in from every part of the county, people we see regularly and people we haven't seen in decades.  And the cliche of it all is, why do we wait for these things to happen to reconnect with family, friends and each other....and why did it have to be our family......

Truth is, I don't question, I don't suffer with the 'why me?' syndrome.  It sucks but it is a part of life.  Like my stepmom and I said, we are grateful for how it happened.  We wouldn't have wanted him to suffer, to grow weak due to illness or body-ware-down - but we feel ripped off.   That's the truth, plain and simple!  No one wants to lose a loved one, no one is ever ready....and shit.......but I can't help but be so thankful to God for how my dad's life ended...I couldn't have written it better myself.

I'd still change it all if I could.

It's hard thing to process...it is, and for any of you who have been here I know you understand.  When a life is taken 'before' it's time - there are few words... But I know that God has appointed for each of us our time...doesn't mean I like it...and for me it was way to early - but I trust our Lord...I can't imagine what this would be like without such a loving heavenly Father walking through this with me.

So I will gather with family and friends these next few days.  We will laugh and we will cry....oh how we will do both in excess....and then.....

....that's the clincher isn't it....

I know in time we will settle into our new 'normal'.  We still have our house for sale, a baby on the way, and life all around us will continue on.  Time does not heal, it just lessens the freshness of it all - as a wound once healed still leaves a scar, so we shall forever feel this loss in our lives.


But we will remember the good.  And ohhh, there is much good! :)





I will turn their mourning into gladness: I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.  Jeremiah 31:13





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Feb 10, 2012

The Good and the Bad


Hello friends.


Okay, deep breath.  A lot has happened in a few short days.

First the good.


We had our ultrasound. :)





 It's a BOY!!!!!


We are very happy!!  

No matter what the gender we would have been happy, we feel blessed to have this little one either way!  But a boy will be a fun change! :)


He was moving around a lot!  The technician who did the ultrasound was very nice and spent time showing us all kinds of neat things, his bones, his profile (above), him opening and closing his mouth, it was awesome! 
 



Now the bad.



On the heels of our good news....as in right when we came home from the ultrasound....we were informed that my dad was not well and had been taken to the hospital.


It's only gotten worse.

 

My dad and step-mom were on vacation in Mexico when he got ill.  They are still there as he is in intensive care for a blood clot in the main artery to his brain.

Shit! 

Sorry....it's hard to find other words at this time......it's so surreal.

We are communicating via email mostly and calling when we can.  We waited 48 hours for a second cat-scan.  They have him in a medically induced coma to let the blood thinners work. 

The second scan did not seem very good.

Back home here, (Canada) we are feeling very helpless and it's hard for my step-mom and my dad's sister (who graciously flew, with her husband, down to Mexico the next day to be with my step-mom) to inform us entirely of what is happening.

My step-mom has started using past tense.

This sucks!

Anyways....we have been asking for prayers and are continuing to!

I'm thinking I may not blog much for a bit.  Understandable I'm sure....

Plus as I said before...I'm at a lack for any real words...

I have complete faith in my Lord and continual faith in all He has in store - doesn't mean I'm always happy about it....but I am grateful to rest in Him and find comfort in Him.... 

.....anyways....really....it's been quite a few days, oh and people keep wanting to come see my house...the nerve, ha ha, at least I can clean to occupy  my mind....

Thank you friends, God bless!


The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them. Psalm 145.18-19



I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18.1-2



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Feb 8, 2012

29 Things



Well I got older last Friday.  It was my birthday and it being so, I have now entered my last year of being 20 something.

That's okay!

I'm not one of those people who dread getting older or hate birthdays - having my picture taken is another thing - but birthdays are just fine with me!

They say birthdays are good for you!  The more you have the longer you live!

*Buh-Dum-PSSH*

Anyyywayys.



So I thought I would share with you 29 little known things about me.  Those close to me may know many of these but those of you whom I only really 'know' here in blog land probably don't. 

So here are 29 things about me to let you know a little more about this homemaker!

Me - 6-9 months old

1.  I went to one year of college at the Ontario College of Art and Design.  I thought I was going to make it big there....God had other plans.

2.  I love candles!!!

3.  I have been a Christian for 8 years and I am extremely grateful and thankful for this!

My mom, sister, brother and myself loving the 80's - I was around 3 years old. 


4.  I met my husband for coffee one October 6th, we only knew each other as opposite shift co-workers - and seven months and two days later we were married.

5.  I bite my fingernails.....and I used to also bite my toenails!  Terrible I know! ;)

6.  A bubble bath, chocolate and a good book is my idea of a very enjoyable evening.

7.  I was born at home!  Not because my parents wanted to have a home birth but because they had built their (by hand and hard work) log home way in the back woods near Renfrew Ontario.  It was February and it was a terrible ice storm and they had no choice, they couldn't leave!  Hmmm....might there be a link here to me liking the idea of back woods living?!?!?

The house where I was born - my parents built it.  Notice the long driveway - imagine it covered in ice in early February....hence the home birth....not to mention the fact that it was way back on some crazy roads.



Closer view.  My dad still has the stained glass piece from the door, also made by him. 
They divorced shortly after I was born and sold the house.



8.  I adore music - good thing I married a musician!

9.  My middle name is Alicia - pronounced (ah-LEE-see-ah)

10.  I have some freckles but I think freckles are beautiful - the more the better!

11.  I have no tattoos and am the only kid in my family without one, which consists of my older brother, sister and step-sister.

12.  I used to play piano as a child... I have no idea how to anymore.



Me - I think around 6 or 7 years old


13.  I live in Ontario Canada and cannot skate or ski.  But I do love to go tobogganing!

14.  I never kept a journal, this blog is the most writing I have done in my entire life.  I like it!

15.  I enjoy using exclamation marks! A lot!!!!

16.  I am a terrible speller and not much better at math.  But I am learning....

17.  I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  Though I never thought I'd homeschool.  Now I can't see how I couldn't.  Praise be to God!

18.  I am blessed with an amazing, loving and caring extended family and that includes my in-laws! ♥

19.  I am right handed but do many things left handed.

20.  I didn't get my drivers licence until I was 26.

Me - High School graduation, 2002/2003

21.  I really like house plants but have a terrible time keeping them alive for long....and yet I want to start a garden....hmmmmm.

22.  I have to brush my teeth, immediately when I wake.  I hate morning breath!

23.  I have no favourite colour- I really like all of them, I can't pick just one!

24.  I dislike vacuuming - very much!

25.  I think toilet training is one of the hardest things about raising kids...so far - and I may just stand by that for a long while! 

Hubby and I, shortly after our wedding, 2004.

26.  I have an addictive personality - for all things terrible - and so by the grace of God I work on that.

27.  I used to have a pet chicken, named Lizzy.  I would carry her around with me and she would fall asleep while we watched TV.  I cried when she died! 

28.  I have a real hard time asking for help....a really hard time!

29.  I am looking forward to what God has in store for me this year!  He has been changing my heart quite radically!  Some days this is good and some days it is awfully scary.  But I trust in Him and will follow where ever He leads.


Me and my fam, this past fall! ♥



So, yes, there are 29 things about little ol' me!  I hope it helps you get to know me a bit more intimately.  ♥  

Praying you all have a fantastic week!

God bless!



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